Conversations About Life, XVIII

Some time later, after our last conversation, P. sent this:


The Lord keeps giving me Words for you.

It is a joy to be obedient!

Remember when you said you were resistant to being paid as a Dr.?

Well, I read this this morning and you came to mind right away.

September 19th,  Each New Day by Corrie ten Boom:

“A hospital visitor saw a nurse tending to the sores of a leprosy patient.

‘I would not do that for a million dollars,’ he said.

The nurse answered, ‘Neither would I.  But I do it for Jesus for nothing.’

‘As you did it to one of the least of these my brethren, you did it to me..’  Matthew 25:40 RSV.

So to that I had to open up and answered with this:


You continue to be amazing. Thank you.

And I’ll get really naked with you.

This was always my attitude about medicine. It wasn’t about me; it was about doing what I heard Father tell me to do.

My heart was to go be a professor of quantum mechanics/chemistry. I loved it. In fact, it was the only thing that up to 19 years of age when I graduated from college that had even remotely attracted my interest. I loved the research, the math, the thinking way outside the box, the inherent philosophy. (In fact, that still sounds like me today!)

So I was blindsided when I had the car wreck and I saw and heard Father very clearly direct me toward medicine. I had NO desire, no interest, didn’t like doctors, didn’t like anatomy/physiology/biochemistry that much. I didn’t like people! especially people who were hurting and couldn’t think for themselves and depended on others to tell them what to do. (Come to think of it, it sounds like me today!)

But Father said go, so I went.

And I HATED it. Got depressed, wasn’t good at it, felt like a fish out of water.

So when I got into practice I got back into research, of sorts, and used the patients as a sort of lab though stayed within bounds of not doing anything that would hurt. Just tried to apply what others had learned but no one was doing in the form of natural, helpful, non-harmful remedies (the essence of the Hippocratic oath which we all took and which I WRONGLY thought was the creed of the profession).

In that context I began to enjoy medicine, began to love people and especially began to love seeing them actually improve and not just have symptom relief.

So how could I charge for something that was being done more for Father than for anyone else, for my own learning and growing more than for the patient’s? I couldn’t. I assumed/believed that Father would take care of the salary and the needs/income.

Here’s where I get even more naked, if that is possible.

He didn’t.

At least it seemed like He didn’t. Or I could never get to the place where I could let go enough to let Him. There was always a struggle to get by. When the State Board came after me and I heard Him specifically say to “leave medicine”, we entered a period of poverty, doubt, failure, suicidal tendencies and deep depression, mostly around self-worth and money. I blame a lot of this for why my children make the choices they do.

The question I have never been able to answer is, where is the funding coming from? The nurse in the story is doing it for “nothing” for Jesus but someone is paying the bill. Who? Mission boards exist, truly, only to funnel money after raising it, begging for it or guilting people for it. That’s not trusting Father and I couldn’t do it.

When I was a regular doc we billed and insurance companies paid – sort of. I couldn’t play that game after a while, either.

I know in my heart that Abundance is supposed to come but I could never see it, receive it, experience it. All I could ever do was try to go as far as I could with as little as I could and when that ran out solve my own problem with credit. I used to believe that credit was wrong so didn’t do that until the preacher at [our church] one day said poor people would have to live on credit. So for some reason I believed him and now we are in credit jail, slowly working our way out but in a very deep hole and on the grindstone just to stay even. Still, there is not “Abundance” and still there is not the belief that Father would really pay for me to do what is in my heart to do.

I have recently realized that I failed to listen to Father as to what the next step was to be after I left medicine. I still don’t know what that should have been.

I know now that there were/are deep seated issues, brought out by all this, of lack of self-worth, lack of true identity and lack of masculinity in the energetic sense of being able to stand up and take my rightful place in society and in the home.

I’m thankful for these lessons learned and am working on them, but it seems so deep-seated that I wonder if there will ever be any real change in me – though I believe it can and will happen for anyone else.

My message is one of healing for heart, soul and body and my own heart’s desire is to begin by traveling, touching and teaching people.

Requirements seem to be a simple RV so not to be burdensome on those whom I would touch and teach and so costs could be kept at a minimum. Do I believe that will happen? Not really. Have to get out of debt first and that looks like it will take 4-5 years at least.

Father led us to this house and it has always been too expensive and a drain and was never used for family, the reason we looked for two years before we found it. There are some issues there, obviously. Since we bought it the market plummeted and now we are upside down in it by about $40K so selling it is not a good move either.

In the summer or when we are not traveling I want/desire/am supposed to be running a nude healing center where hurting, abused people can come and shed their griefs, pain, trauma, depressions and even clothes and experience healing, freedom and Eden once again.

Part of the healing message is this: The whole planet needs to make the shift away from the bondage of sex and aberrant ideas about bodies and sexuality and begin to honor, respect and appreciate bodies and sexuality in appropriate, healthy, non-sexual ways.

But “get real, Jon” – can you imagine the cost, the legal issues, the societal ideas that have to be overcome? Do I ever think that will happen? No. And yet this is what Father has put on my heart.

And I still don’t believe even He can pull it off.

So I’m a frustrated “believer” willing to step outside the box and follow into uncharted waters who really has no faith. I’m a philosopher full of theories and only minimal experience personally with no real evidence of “reality”. I’m a thinker and not a doer. And the whole issue of money and provision still sits at the center, unresolved, unsolved, a huge stumbling stone to everything else.

Now you’ve seen my naked soul. By the way, after this seeing my naked body would not even be a flash in the pan!

All that is probably way more than you ever wanted to hear, but keep the good words coming. I love it that Father is using you as the mouthpiece and that you are willing to speak.

Like Mary, you are a Blessed One!


We’ve touched on some basic issues here – desire, disappointment, money, faith or lack thereof – and have gotten open and real, “naked”. How about you? Where are you on some of these issues? Where do you need healing?


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

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