Conversations About Life, IX

It’s time to come back to the Conversations About Life.

P. wasn’t put off by the wildness and boldness of our last conversation about life and responded with:


I think we come to the same conclusion but maybe a different concept.

Of course, as with the trinity, they are multi changeable.

I think of terms of suffering.

Christ became a curse.  I want to understand that.  I want to feel and experience in my heart what that means for me today.

I think we have to embrace the cross before moving on to the resurrection.

I see evangelicals skipping this most important part of following Christ.   ” I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, BUT Christ lives in me. ”  I no longer live.

We have to remove self before the Holy Spirit can do it’s full work THROUGH us.  “It is His faithfulness that He has afflicted me.”

There HAS to be an end to be a beginning.  There has to be the bad news before we can celebrate the GOOD NEWS.  Only with deep sorrow can we have extreme joy.

Through this dialogue I came across a disconnect in my heart.

You know how Mary responded in Luke 1.?  I want to have that kind of heart that embraces why I am here on earth.

Why do I have to be the one to have to represent the insane side of life?

I did not and do not want to be a mother of a son with autism.

There I said it!

Oh but yes, God can use me and has in these areas but I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL!!!!

— I hated being on the psych ward.
— I hated that my mother has the same stupid brain disorder and it was horrible to live with her fighting with my father my whole entire life.
— I hated that my teenage daughter had to see me like I was an out of control animal.
— I hated that my sons saw me running to the garage to hang myself  the last 20th time while my [spouse] yelled,  go ahead and do it!
— I hated that I looked at my infant and not feel  bonded at all with her and having to give her poison [milk] in a bottle.
— I hated it when I begged someone to drive me to the ER so they could give me a shot to calm me down.
— I HATED the stupid Dr. under whose care I was, that she took me off my meds too soon and I had a relapse.
— I HATE it that my family treats and looks at me as part animal because I did electric shock therapy but does not take my advice when it comes to mental health issues.

There, I could go on and on but this has been bottled up and smoothed over with “God has a plan and created you for this special purpose.”

Lord, pick something else for me to be.  I do not like this creation you created.  Let  someone else minister to the insane.

Is it OK to tell God how I REALLY feel?

What are we do do with our BAD horrible feelings toward God and man?!

Are we allowed to be totally honest with the One who created us?!

Still wondering how to bring this together.  Maybe I am not suppose to know.  Maybe it is a mystery.  But I would like to say just one more thing.

I feel like a horrible mother STILL after all of these years.


Wow! My very dear and special friend P got really “naked” with that!  Bully for her!  That’s what we are supposed to do.  That’s why we are having this conversation, why we are doing this blog and what we invite any and all of us to do as well, to begin to find some true healing for those deep hurts, pains and griefs.

I responded with:


Thank you so much for being so naked with your feelings, and with yourself!  Listen to this series of messages:

[I wasn’t trying to avoid the issues but was offering another mature, very insightful, very helpful resource to ponder at her leisure, later.]

Yeshua became the curse so we would not have to continue to be cursed, which we were already by being of the human race and choosing to control everything we possibly could, including our “righteousness”.

The reason He did that is because there was something worth rescuing and restoring – US! You, Me. Father’s created expressions of Himself who, like the prodigal son, were trying to live life on their own.

So we don’t need to look for more Bad. That is part of the Good News, that we really aren’t inherently bad.

There’s a lot of theology here that is messed up and the words get in the way.  God donesn’t make bad things, but gave us the choice to follow or take off and we chose to take off.

Then we built a society that was “off”.

So when we choose to come back and follow, thanks to Yeshua, EVERYTHING looks insane.

We bear the smoke of the campfire of “off” and in the midst of all the garbage related to it, including what looks “right”, we have to discover how to truly follow and no longer be “off”.

Getting naked, for example, is insane to the “off.” I don’t spread it around, especially to family.

Seeing you fall apart and getting “naked” in that way is OK for your daughter – she will now see the redemption she could never have seen otherwise.

Not feeding your son breastmilk is OK; Father will provide food you know not of.

Autism is not a curse – difficult, yes, from a practical standpoint – but an opportunity to see Father and the world and your son in a whole new way.  You are blessed more than you can imagine. Learn to look with heavenly eyes. Read “Autism and the God Connection” by William Stillman (amazon).

This path of Love and Intimacy is not an easy one, but narrow and can be lonely in terms of the “off” and “normal” yet fulfills and satisfies the soul in the way only Father can; it is what we were born for.

And I know words aren’t often very helpful.

Just know that being honest and going deep and continuing to get naked with Father is the correct place to be.

Absolutely, pour out your heart and grief and disapointments! That is what He is waiting for.

It is time and OK for us to join the human race in all its failures and learn to love and be loved the way Father feels about ALL of us, not just the “Christians”.

It is time to be forgiving and caring.

Be careful with the “suffering” thing. Just as you hated for your kids to suffer, Father does not want you to “suffer”. He is Love. Suffering does not gain us any points with Him; we don’t need any points with Him. We are already everything to Him.

In response to your comments about evangelicals, they seem to be too busy finding pleasure to be in Intimacy, hence suffering is “out the door” and not talked about.

On the other hand, the “Deeper Life” folk like my Dad, and whose comments you are mirroring, risk being too busy suffering to be in Intimacy.

Somewhere in the middle is the truth.  There are times when the surgeon has to lovingly cut to extend life. That is “temporary suffering” or “good suffering”.  That is all the Father will ever do to us.  We need to change our perspective and see it as Love.

It is hard to do all this in words and email, and I could go on, but you know.

Follow your heart, tuned in to Intimacy.

Live loved and loving!


Likewise, you, dear reader, are invited to get as naked with yourself as P did, to risk the ostracism of the “normal” and to follow your deepest heart back to Father.  This is crucial – for you, for Him, and for the entire globe as we walk through these shifting days.

Until next time,

Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

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