Conversations About Life, XIII

After that last conversation some time passed before we communicated once again.  It was time in which P. did some pondering and thinking and then came back to me with several questions.

This time I responded by answering the questions one at a time so will format this post the same way.  Makes it more like a real conversation, as well.  Again we hit some pretty personal topics, this time more about me, and I felt free to get pretty “naked” with my answers.

P. began with:

I was swimming laps today and thinking about what you said in one of our many dialogues.

What did you mean when you said you did not think you could make money being a Dr.?!

I replied:

My reason for becoming a doc was to “help” people and I couldn’t do the “asking people for money” thing.

Now I realize it was a lot about self-worth (or the lack thereof) as well.

It was also about choice.

I’m not sure I really CHOSE medicine; it was not my true passion. I was trying to fix things for people I loved.

I have often said I should have been a professor. The medical office became a sort of laboratory.

It was also about being different.

I followed my Dad’s thoughts in general and could easily see the problems and issues in the “system”, whatever system that was.

For me, it became the medical system.

Another comment P had was:

Another thought crossed my mind.  Just like me, the choice was taken from you to be a Dr. when you were falsely accused and your licence taken away.

To which I responded:

The choice wasn’t really taken from me; I gave it up.

The State Board didn’t take my license, but put it on probation. I had to do 1000 hours of continuing education which I couldn’t afford and would be things I didn’t want to learn about (wouldn’t have been alternative).

They said they would let me do alternative medicine but I would have to clear procedures with them first. I knew they were playing with me and couldn’t tolerate the restrictions.

There were lots of other things going on too:

Trying to homeschool,
Susan pregnant with David,
Not able to replace Susan in the office,
Lack of focus trying to be a doc and a farmer at the same time,
Isolated professionally,
Feeling inadequate and untrained to do the kind of medicine I was charging people for,
Outside the system and not comfortable.

Depressed, even?
It was easier to walk away.

Actually, I “heard” Father say to leave medicine so I did.

Now I think I forgot to ask him what to do next and just went into a deep depression because I didn’t know what to do.

P’s next questions:

The choice was taken from me to continue to homeschool and nurse Juliana.

Do you think that makes a difference in how it is processed?!

Do you think the Lord(Father) strips us of all things, raw, naked , to teach us to depend totally on Him and not the things we do or want to do?

Just wondering what your thoughts are!



My response:

Here’s what I think:

Forget everything you have been taught and come to believe in from “church”.

That is mostly, if not completely, doctrine perpetrated to keep us away from the truth.

Father put us on the planet for one reason: to make the CHOICE to be in relationship with him.

We are actually a part of him and not separate beings, like a cell is part of the bigger body. We have individual characteristics and functions but are needed to make the whole complete and healthy.

If we act on our own we become a cancer, an illness, a dis-ease of Father.

This I believe is what Yeshua was talking about in analogy when he discussed the vine and the branches and pruning.

He came directly from Father, as Father himself, to show us what total CHOICE toward Father looked like.

This is what he meant when he talked about not being able to do anything that he didn’t see Father doing first.

He came to restore the choice, to live in love, that was lost when Adam choose to be self-sufficient.

The Garden of Eden was set up with humans in a high state of vibration, in Father’s image/likeness, able to co-create with Father.

In this place Father set up a choice and we were given the FREEDOM to choose.

When we chose to be self-sufficient Father then placed us in a “matrix”, a program, that was dumbed down, put at a low vibration.

This low vibration includes death and dis-ease and disappointment to teach us to choose once again to live at a high vibrational level, to elevate back to the level of Yeshua, living in love and not in fear.

I think we choose everything though we may not always be aware of it consciously.

I think our “Higher Self”, that part of us which still stays in some communication with Father, will bring things into our path about which we need to choose in an attempt to point us to the higher road.

For me that meant choosing to be a doctor even though it wasn’t my passion. Because teaching people how to get to the higher place IS my passion.

Becoming a doctor was a tool and when that wasn’t working out the State Board helped by making it easier to choose a better way.

My brain got in the way and I got depressed and confused and it has taken me 20 years to see that, but in the meantime I did get into massage which allows me to take people to a high place.

As part of the big picture of medicine and massage, along with a deep inner sense of direction, I have also begun to understand being naked at all levels including physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, financial, etc.

This is a high vibrational state which includes loving self, others and Father and is a return to Eden and in the process offers deep health and healing.

So I don’t think Father strips us naked and puts us in situations like that.

He is not abusive. He is a good Father.

However, he has placed us in a place in which we can choose to have experiences which will draw us to that intimate relationship and dependence on him which every healthy cell in any body needs to function properly.

In that place we will have all the supply we need, whatever that looks like.

In that place we will work with others who share the body – which is everyone – although we may not be in their little “groups” (churches, organizations, vocations, etc.).

I do think when at some very deep level we choose to follow and become completely dependent on Father and stop choosing our own self-sufficiency we will find ourselves in places of testing, probably of our own making, to make sure we really mean it.

Don’t know if all this makes sense.

It is only starting to make a little bit of sense to me.

I am still stuck in the old church thinking and still feel ostracized and unapproved for thinking differently so have a hard time being truly me.

I know at some deep level, though, that upon entry to this planet my deep self chose to follow Father no matter what, and everything that has followed has been to direct me onto that path.

It is hard when other choices along the way, like not charging for services in a world that depends on money, make me feel like I am stupid or crazy or both and when there is no support or understanding from family and loved ones.

I believe Father will at times “hide” or speak in very low whispers which require attentive and focused ears to hear.

When the program around us is yelling and screaming it is often hard to pay attention to the quiet whisper.

It is also very easy to forget to love myself when church and the program is so adamant that I am not worth loving and is totally controlled by fear.

I better stop; been rambling long enough.

Ponder this for a while and get back.

Blessings and love,


So what do YOU think?  Ponder it a while yourself and let us know.


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

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