The Adjustment Bureau

Just returned from seeing Matt Damon’s latest, The Adjustment Bureau.

Go see it.  Highly recommended!

I need to see it again to further enjoy, explore and ponder on the various themes, but it is already on my list of “Next films to own” and, believe me, this is a very short list for me.

An interesting study of free will/choice vs. destiny/fate with some uncontrollable “chance” thrown in.  Even tries to define God/Father, “The Chairman”.

The best part is when the real choices have to be made, the heroine decides to let go of her life, career, and dreams and “ride on the back of the motorcycle” (using the analogy I like to use) and trust her loved one, no matter what.

Meanwhile, he also throws his own bright star/career to the wind for love of her, knowing only that she will be with him – he hopes.

And when things are at their worst, his response is to go directly to “The Chairman” and enter into the relationship and ASK for his desire.

Although humans on their own quickly can find ways to destroy and bring chaos, yet it they Love Deeply and selflessly, even the Chairman takes notice.

This is good stuff, striking to the heart of the gospel.  Love is the Answer.  Trust gets the attention.  Selfishness can take a back seat.

Go see for yourself and leave your comments; would love to hear what you think.


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

Conversations About Life, XII

You’ve come back after the wild ride of our previous conversation so maybe you are also ready for the wild ride yourself!

After the last exchange I decided to be brave and post these conversations into the blog – what you are reading now.  We had gotten into such real, raw, fundamental concepts about life the comments needed to be shared.  However, before I did that it seemed better to have P’s permission since a lot of what would be shared was her personal story as well.

She responded with an email which she titled “naked truth”:


Thanks for the write up!

It is a challenge to live this life, in this culture.

Anything to make a point that we NOT become attached to the things of this world.  We have nothing when we come into this world so likewise as we exit.

I am pondering the point of not being defined or measured by the standards of our culture but letting the Lord of Lord and King of Kings to define me.

This might mean experiencing failure, heart ache and just plain wondering what is life all about.

I LOVE to regress to a child’s level and be captivated by the wonder and excitement of this world and life we have been given.  That is where the hidden wisdom lies.  It does not take much to enter into His Kingdom.



And my reply:


Thanks for that. Post it as a comment on the blog if you will.

Come on up and get naked with us! We’ll be like kids  playing in the sandbox, learning some real wisdom.

Same for the rest of you.  Have wisdom?  Please share it.


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc


Conversations About Life, XI

Continuing on with our conversations about Life, rather than being turned off by the pretty raw comments of the previous conversation, P. responded with:


That was so cool!

I had “one of those” (months ago but never forgot!) dreams where I was standing in line to take a “ride” and an angel came up to me and TOOK me to another line and said this is where you belong.  YOU CAN DO THIS RIDE (much more exciting and eventful) because you spent years learning to ride a horse.

I was amazed because the other ride was boring and predictable whereas, the new ride was for those who COULD ride.  I was excited and encouraged that I could really do this!

The angel encouraged me and it felt right!

Wow, your letter really confirmed it!

“Perfect love casts out fear”.

I get it.

My basic problem is I’m stuck on God being a stern task master so I want to run and hide my gifts and bury them.

He wants me to experience His glory and love.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” that God intended man to be.

The glory that man had before the fall the believer will again have through Christ.

I also found scripture that brought out about having a sense of self:

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your INNER BEING.”

Just yesterday I was a front row, eye witness to a car accident.  Fortunately every one was pretty much OK.  But I ran fearlessly to the scene ready to help, what ever was there to find.  I had no fear at all!

The Lord showed me that is how I am to approach folks that are wrecked on the inside.  Run fearlessly because I KNOW what it is to be wrecked on the inside although, I am better now, and not to be afraid of the others that are still in the middle of the wreck.

On the lighter side, I remember one time on a Wednesday night at one of our hilarious group meetings when you said “if I was in a car accident I would not want someone waving garlic over me!”  We laughed and laughed!  That was a fun time , the middle of the week to just laugh while our little ones played down stairs!



To that I responded:


You got it!  The ride thing for sure.

The Celts’ name for the Holy Spirit was “The Wild Goose”.

Yeshua himself likened the Spirit and being born of and following/living by the Spirit as “wind” which goes totally where it pleases without any control by anyone else.

Besides the motorcycle analogy I like the kayak in white water analogy. Hang on for the ride, for fun, for real, lots of risk, lots of adrenaline, just BEING, in the moment.

That is so what it is all about and SO hard to let go and do. It is so “naked” and vulnerable and “out there” and I think that is why Father put us on the planet naked (and unashamed!!!!!!) to get the message it was to be a fun, wild ride, to just be in and live.

And the running into situations without fear: that is the application. You got that too!

That touched a deep cord in me. Not only without fear, but also without condemnation or blame.

We are ALL broken and ALL equally loved and ALL equally unique and ALL redeemable and died for.

Yet we “believers”, “righteous” are so quick to cast blame and criticize and ostracize and act the Pharisee versus the sinner. Yet in doing so we are more condemned, more judged and more sinful.

We just need to run in and participate and throw our shoulder to the plow along with whomever and learn to love and get “naked” and open and vulnerable and show what Father has done, truly, for us.

Be real.

You are a blessing!


Until next time, get on the wild ride!


Dr Jon

Renegade Doc

Conversations About Life, X

Our conversations about Life continue, now with a bunch of questions about life that the last conversation brought to the front.

And P. laid them all out:

OK Jon,

I get the drift about being one, coming from Eastern thought, but what about scripture like

“For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.”

What happens to our core being, our personality as such?

Our sense of self?

Is that what dies?

I have pondered this for a long time.

I think what the western culture has done is try to numb the pain of life thus numbing true feelings and sense of self.

What Christ has done is opened up a whole new way of relating to human beings by connecting with the deep, deep pain of life by suffering.

I can relate better to the suffering servant, realizing that He understands pain because He as a total human and total God experienced the ultimate rejection and pain possible.

I have always had a problem relating to the resurrected Christ and all of His power and glory.

Even Heaven and death is very, very scary to me.  “Oh death where is thy sting?”

Any thoughts along the way?

I get what  you said about being totally open and bare before God but I felt SO BAD after being real with how I REALLY feel.  Like I did the unthinkable!


Admitting I didn’t have a lot of answers, I responded with:


Not sure if I’ll answer your questions completely, or should. I’ve been pondering this whole dilemma since I last wrote also (and for years, actually). Seems like the issue keeps coming up.

Here is what I come up with.

1. We Christians/theologians/church goers have it all figured out, or think we do. Problem: inherent in our thinking are the assumptions that a) we have a wicked heart and b) we have to cover it up and do righteous things, good works, whatever, to prove to ourselves and God that we are worth redeeming and all His suffering, or we have to suffer along with him to somehow earn a place.

BS – all of it.

That we use “Scripture” translated under the auspices of a reprobate King in a language that we don’t even speak anymore and apply to our own culture makes it even more BS.

That we use our brains makes it evern more BS.

2. Yeshua came to bring us life and life abundantly. He came to seek and to save what had been lost. What had been lost was naked, unashamed intimacy with Father, living outside of Knowledge and in Life, abundantly.

So here goes.

Life is to be lived. Period.

Not analyzed, scrutinized, organized, theologized, doctrinized, churchized or any other “ized”. Just lived.

Let’s look at life for a minute.

Life begins when two beings unite on a high plane of vibration and apply sexual energy to a creative end. Physically we call that having sex, but that is just a picture of what is happening or is supposed to happen all the time on higher levels.

You and I are “joining hearts”, “having sex” if you will, via email,

[a bold statement here, probably totally misunderstood by most readers, but please continue reading and understand what is being said and construed – this is the essence of life here on the planet – author]

vibrating at a higher plane, with the intent of creating life within both of our hearts, calling out something of Life that will grow in each of us and make us better, more alive, stronger, more like Father. Not “sex” like our little minds think of it, but much grander than that.

From the act of creation is birthed something living which then has to be nurtured, fed, watered. Physically we do that for babies with food and water and clean them and hug and hold and touch them. We give them our life, our vibrations.

On the higher plane the same must take place. Once a person or persons birth something in their hearts of Father, that must be nurtured, fed, watered, touched, emoted.

At some point it takes on a life of its own and becomes independent, or it dies.

We unite with Christ/Father – vibrate together on a higher plane, have “sex” with – and Life occurs. Not by some mental acceptance we now call “belief” but by deep. sexual energy based, core life/heart based coming together. That Life then needs to be nurtured, fed by energy from Father/Yeshua. Intimate “breast feeding” by communing in spirit, talking via scripture, talking by the myriad of ways he talks to us all do that.

The “family” (church), as is true of our families here, often get in the way, limit, detract and hold back.

We need to get to the independent stage before we even go there most of the time.

We get and stay naked with him just as infants do with their mothers. They simply react/make known thoughts and feelings, LIVE. No thinking, planning, hoping, controlling, grieving, complaining; just communicating. They just ARE, just doing what life does.

Life poops and pees, coos and smiles, cries and laughs. It just does.

Parents do NOT require the new life perform in any way or think poorly of it when it poops all over itself or them.

At some point, after years of observing and training and being fed and nurtured, the new life does take on some responsibility and independence, yet still stays connected to Father and family in a good and helpful and productive way, as part of the family council with input, not as the receiver only.

In this bigger picture, and in the language and picture of Yeshua, most of us are bastards and not sons. We are religious nincompoops with Satan for a father. Churches are foster homes abusing and leading astray, preaching a false gospel of oppression and performance and never connecting us to the heart and Life of Father.

We need to just get real as you have done.

Just live.

Accept each day whether it brings rain or sun, “good” or “bad” for there is neither. In the big picture, both rain and sun are good and necessary for Life, each in its own time. And if for some reason we get too much rain and flood and lose homes and land and friends, we deal and go on and accept. If we get too much sun and get desert we deal and go on. From flood and desert both come balance and life at some point.

Here is an analogy I like to use:

Imagine yourself riding naked on the back of a motorcycle which Yeshua is driving. He is a wildman, driving in any weather, any road conditions, at any speed. And THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT ANY OF IT!

Where he goes you go.

Now you can lean forward and speak into his ear that you are uncomfortable, and he wants you to do that, but you do not control anything!

You do have two ways to approach it, however.

You can be excited and “yippee, let’s go” knowing that he is the absolute best driver in the world and would NEVER take you to some place in some way that would be ultimately harmful,


you can be fearful and mistrusting and hoping to jump off and get back in control; or worse yet, boot him off and drive the cycle yourself.

Now, Yeshua did “suffer” but his cycle was driven by Father and he DID NOT try to control, in any way. And he did not count it as suffering for the joy that was set before him. He had the right perspective; there was no real suffering.

So, yeah, we “lose” ourselves on the cycle, but we can choose to become truly ourselves in doing so, alive to the excitement, the wind in our face, the intimacy of hanging on to our Lover/Driver as we explore new places with him and observe him test his limits of skill as the driver.

Or we can “gain” ourselves and never know what it is like to take that ride with him.

This world and the programs we get from early on are all about control, drive the cycle yourself, Father can’t be trusted, he is too wild.

Yeshua came to point the other way. Heaven, Life, Resurrection is simply the letting go of control, getting on back and having fun just living in the excitement and danger and deeply felt core/sexual energy of the moment. It is the ultimate “rush”! And in it there is no place for condemnation or performance or control – at all.

Doubt that this makes sense. Guess it is not supposed to. It is not sense/knowledge we need but Life!

Love and blessings,


Until next time, keep living!


A Life Changer

The “Message” is not a strict translation of the Christian Scriptures but I love the way it captures the spirit of what has been written.

In the telling of Yeshua’s travail of soul in the Garden of Gethsemane, just before he was apprehended and taken to be crucified, it says, in Matthew 26:

“My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this.  But please, not what I want.  You, what do you want?”

Now understand that in the King James Version by which I and many of my generation were raised this phrase is rendered: “Not my will, but thine be done.”

When I read the former rendition my attention was caught and my heart was captured.

The traditional version, though correct, as explained or at least understood by me over the years, is filled with obedience, negativity, promise of judgment and a hint of victimization.  When applied to my life it is all about me and my wishes – or not.

This newer, fresh rendition, however, is full of relationship and hope and love and compassion.  This one puts the perspective totally on Father and what He wants.

This is a total perspective changer, a real life changer.

When was the last time I or you or any of us stopped long enough to get out of ourselves and ask Father in  a meaningful way, “You. What do YOU want?”  And I don’t mean just in relation to me and my activities, but

“What do YOU want?”

In my radio show/health blog I recently passed on the encouragement from Gerald O’Donnell of ARVARI (the Academy of Remote Viewing and Remote Influencing) a similar proposition, that in these days Father, the One, is asking us, inviting us, to spend time simply loving Him.

That is what He wants from all of us.

And for yourself, go ahead, ask Him – with heart, head and arms open – what He wants.



Conversations About Life, IX

It’s time to come back to the Conversations About Life.

P. wasn’t put off by the wildness and boldness of our last conversation about life and responded with:


I think we come to the same conclusion but maybe a different concept.

Of course, as with the trinity, they are multi changeable.

I think of terms of suffering.

Christ became a curse.  I want to understand that.  I want to feel and experience in my heart what that means for me today.

I think we have to embrace the cross before moving on to the resurrection.

I see evangelicals skipping this most important part of following Christ.   ” I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, BUT Christ lives in me. ”  I no longer live.

We have to remove self before the Holy Spirit can do it’s full work THROUGH us.  “It is His faithfulness that He has afflicted me.”

There HAS to be an end to be a beginning.  There has to be the bad news before we can celebrate the GOOD NEWS.  Only with deep sorrow can we have extreme joy.

Through this dialogue I came across a disconnect in my heart.

You know how Mary responded in Luke 1.?  I want to have that kind of heart that embraces why I am here on earth.

Why do I have to be the one to have to represent the insane side of life?

I did not and do not want to be a mother of a son with autism.

There I said it!

Oh but yes, God can use me and has in these areas but I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL!!!!

— I hated being on the psych ward.
— I hated that my mother has the same stupid brain disorder and it was horrible to live with her fighting with my father my whole entire life.
— I hated that my teenage daughter had to see me like I was an out of control animal.
— I hated that my sons saw me running to the garage to hang myself  the last 20th time while my [spouse] yelled,  go ahead and do it!
— I hated that I looked at my infant and not feel  bonded at all with her and having to give her poison [milk] in a bottle.
— I hated it when I begged someone to drive me to the ER so they could give me a shot to calm me down.
— I HATED the stupid Dr. under whose care I was, that she took me off my meds too soon and I had a relapse.
— I HATE it that my family treats and looks at me as part animal because I did electric shock therapy but does not take my advice when it comes to mental health issues.

There, I could go on and on but this has been bottled up and smoothed over with “God has a plan and created you for this special purpose.”

Lord, pick something else for me to be.  I do not like this creation you created.  Let  someone else minister to the insane.

Is it OK to tell God how I REALLY feel?

What are we do do with our BAD horrible feelings toward God and man?!

Are we allowed to be totally honest with the One who created us?!

Still wondering how to bring this together.  Maybe I am not suppose to know.  Maybe it is a mystery.  But I would like to say just one more thing.

I feel like a horrible mother STILL after all of these years.


Wow! My very dear and special friend P got really “naked” with that!  Bully for her!  That’s what we are supposed to do.  That’s why we are having this conversation, why we are doing this blog and what we invite any and all of us to do as well, to begin to find some true healing for those deep hurts, pains and griefs.

I responded with:


Thank you so much for being so naked with your feelings, and with yourself!  Listen to this series of messages:

[I wasn’t trying to avoid the issues but was offering another mature, very insightful, very helpful resource to ponder at her leisure, later.]

Yeshua became the curse so we would not have to continue to be cursed, which we were already by being of the human race and choosing to control everything we possibly could, including our “righteousness”.

The reason He did that is because there was something worth rescuing and restoring – US! You, Me. Father’s created expressions of Himself who, like the prodigal son, were trying to live life on their own.

So we don’t need to look for more Bad. That is part of the Good News, that we really aren’t inherently bad.

There’s a lot of theology here that is messed up and the words get in the way.  God donesn’t make bad things, but gave us the choice to follow or take off and we chose to take off.

Then we built a society that was “off”.

So when we choose to come back and follow, thanks to Yeshua, EVERYTHING looks insane.

We bear the smoke of the campfire of “off” and in the midst of all the garbage related to it, including what looks “right”, we have to discover how to truly follow and no longer be “off”.

Getting naked, for example, is insane to the “off.” I don’t spread it around, especially to family.

Seeing you fall apart and getting “naked” in that way is OK for your daughter – she will now see the redemption she could never have seen otherwise.

Not feeding your son breastmilk is OK; Father will provide food you know not of.

Autism is not a curse – difficult, yes, from a practical standpoint – but an opportunity to see Father and the world and your son in a whole new way.  You are blessed more than you can imagine. Learn to look with heavenly eyes. Read “Autism and the God Connection” by William Stillman (amazon).

This path of Love and Intimacy is not an easy one, but narrow and can be lonely in terms of the “off” and “normal” yet fulfills and satisfies the soul in the way only Father can; it is what we were born for.

And I know words aren’t often very helpful.

Just know that being honest and going deep and continuing to get naked with Father is the correct place to be.

Absolutely, pour out your heart and grief and disapointments! That is what He is waiting for.

It is time and OK for us to join the human race in all its failures and learn to love and be loved the way Father feels about ALL of us, not just the “Christians”.

It is time to be forgiving and caring.

Be careful with the “suffering” thing. Just as you hated for your kids to suffer, Father does not want you to “suffer”. He is Love. Suffering does not gain us any points with Him; we don’t need any points with Him. We are already everything to Him.

In response to your comments about evangelicals, they seem to be too busy finding pleasure to be in Intimacy, hence suffering is “out the door” and not talked about.

On the other hand, the “Deeper Life” folk like my Dad, and whose comments you are mirroring, risk being too busy suffering to be in Intimacy.

Somewhere in the middle is the truth.  There are times when the surgeon has to lovingly cut to extend life. That is “temporary suffering” or “good suffering”.  That is all the Father will ever do to us.  We need to change our perspective and see it as Love.

It is hard to do all this in words and email, and I could go on, but you know.

Follow your heart, tuned in to Intimacy.

Live loved and loving!


Likewise, you, dear reader, are invited to get as naked with yourself as P did, to risk the ostracism of the “normal” and to follow your deepest heart back to Father.  This is crucial – for you, for Him, and for the entire globe as we walk through these shifting days.

Until next time,

Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

Welcome New Readers

We are taking a breather from the Conversations About Life to welcome any and all new readers who may not have seen or even heard of the Renegade Doc before!

After a discussion with my “business guru”, Chuck Bartok, yesterday, he graciously spread the word about Dr. Jon and his “world”, directing you to this site.

Here you can gain access to the resources available.  Be sure to sign up for the Health Newsletter, “Your Health Matters!“, using the form on the side bar. 

You can also sign up for the “Renegade Comments” newsletter, the form also on the sidebar. 

Download your free copy of my ebook, “The Renegade Doctor, Healer Journey” – you guessed it – from the link on the sidebar.

Go and check out the MAR (click the tlink), an amazing tool, in the category of “biometric screening”, to show you how well your body is functioning.  This is a complete analysis, not only looking at body functioning, but also discussing detoxification, offering a personalized foods list and a personalized nutritional supplements list.

Also make yourself aware of BioDefense, an all-natural antiinfective.  Throught my website you get a discount, thanks to the generosity of Dr. Fierro, the developer of this outstanding product.

We do a weekly talk show on Sunday mornings, with notes and links available at Your Health Matters! also, including a recording of the show.

Finally, be sure to contact me, leave questions and comments and add to the discussion!


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

Conversations About Life, VIII

One might think that all the “nakedness”, openness and vulnerability expressed between “P” and myself in the last conversation would generate some fear and running away, but not “P”!  This is how she responded:


Deep calls to deep!

Before I read your last letter I had a HUGE “aha!” moment exactly about the deep heart thing!

Then I read your letter!  I was ready to hear it then.

Don’t you think timing is HUGE in God’s kingdom?!

I realized that God is really, really in me!  Closer than I am to myself.

I have pondered over and over the “who am I” concept.

I mean, I have let things outside of me define who I am.  That totally becomes all consuming idols!

The Lord has over and over torn me down only for me to rebuild with wood, hay and stubble.  Then in His all knowing goodness does it again until I am nothing.

I am nothing. I AM nothing.

At that moment I become something.

I become Him himself.

That deep deep place is and has been there all the time.  I just needed for Him to clear the way so there would be more room!

It is a divine act to feel and be nothing.

I thought something was really, really wrong with me because I have no sense of self (personality?) but that is a GOOD thing!!  I desire to be so consumed by the Holy Spirit that every cell reeks of Jesus!

Wow, I can see where your experience has lead you.

Kind of crazy but His Kingdom is not of this world.

Stay tuned!

Love, P

PS. {My spouse} and I have just connected with a new church that is redefining itself and capturing the wonder and awe of Christ dwelling in us.  They are very retro and into a small group of like minded believers.   They live a TRUE community life!  Our oldest child is involved and introduced us to them.  Talking about how the first born leads the way(!)

To that I responded:


You are right. Deep does call to deep.

Actually, I have been asking Father to bring people into my life who could/would go deep.

Most seem too busy being right and righteous or just plain busy or don’t appreciate Father/Yeshua as Creator/Lover/Life. So you are an answer to prayer.

The Eastern mind actually has it almost right when they talk about losing oneself in the Oneness.

Unfortunately they seem to mean that you become literally nothing.

This is also the biggest problem I have with the wording that the church uses, and which I hear you repeating.

The concept of becoming “nothing” in the way you describe is OK, but the implications are deadening.

I grew up thinking to be spiritual was to be “nothing” and for me that meant I couldn’t make any money or be successful as a physician or anything else, for that matter.

Maybe it is all my screwed up perception.

However, as I begin to read Father’s heart more, the idea of becoming saturated, totally and completely, with Yeshua and His Light and Life became for me a much better way to express the concept than to say I am “nothing”.

He has made us special and unique, never to be repeated but never to be annihilated, either.

He does not want us “nothing” but “something” that looks and acts JUST LIKE Yeshua, the first of many brethren.

This is a paradox, but as I grow into my real self I become more me but really more Yeshua.

It’s like the old 33 rpm records. The record didn’t change as it got closer to center, it just got quieter to the point of not moving, still, at one with the center.

We must move in closer to center, to Father, to intimacy.

Stated in an analogy that at first seems offensive, though is exactly the picture, Father wants to make love to, to have “sex” with us.

It is in that place of oneness that we lose ourselves and become one with another.

I am of course not speaking simply physically; that is a mere picture of what the real experience is supposed to be. (Of course, it was a physical experience for Mary and the result was the Savior! Interesting, isn’t it?)

And here is a parting shot – maybe this is why Father wants us to live naked – it’s easier for him to get intimate with us!


That gets pretty wild and bold, doesn’t it?  Stay tuned to see where this thought goes….

Until next time,

Be Yourself, Be the Renegade, Think outside the box.

Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

Dreams and Birthday

I was recently asked what I wanted to do as a child, and to be honest, there wasn’t much in my “desire” catalog.  I did want to learn the Morse Code (did that thanks to the Navy!) and wanted to make an extended trip, by boat, from Sebago Lake, where I lived, into the Great Lakes.

When reminded of my early dreams, I thought, “It’s time to resurrect them.”

Just because I was almost 60 (going on 13) doesn’t mean I couldn’t or shouldn’t aim for that early goal, though long shelved,  and forgotten.

So I started with a plan.

I now live in St Louis, Missouri, surrounded by rivers and lakes.  Start small, learn to get comfortable on the water, reading currents and weather patterns.  Spend weekends out camping out of the boat, setting up a system for handling the camping gear, food, clothing and other things that would be part of a larger trip.

Start small with a boat as well.  A kayak would do well, but what kind?

I spent some time researching without coming to any conclusions. Didn’t really have the funds though, so I just let it go for now but didn’t feel disheartened or defeated about it.  Rather, I saw myself on the water, paddling, enjoying being outside, camping, the fire going, starlit nights – the whole works.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, my wife was looking for a birthday present for my 60th.  Now you have to know that I am a hard one to buy for because there isn’t much that I really want, at least within reason for the budget.

However, yesterday she called me to say we needed to work out a time to go check out a kayak being sold on Craigslist.  She had done her own research, including talking to a kayaker, and found one priced reasonably, but needed to see if I could fit my 6′ 4″ frame into it.  She had squirreled away some funds and also used funds coming to apply toward a gift for me and now had enough.

So today, on the eve of my 60th, we went to look at the boat.

It was a beautiful, sunny day.  We found the house without difficulty and there was the kayak, waiting for us in the front yard.

The owner was really friendly and offered the boat for $30 less without our asking if the price was negotiable!  We told him it was for my birthday and he said to go out to eat on the difference!

Dream Builder

The kayak came with a paddle, a drybag, and as I was loading up, the owner brought out a small drycase to hang around your neck for papers, etc.  Basically it was the complete excursion package!

He told us about trips he had taken with tent, food, drink, ice and fishing rod all stashed in or on this small vessel, all totaled over 300 pounds, all without a problem.

To top it all off, it is a model made by Old Town, a Maine company, my home state and where my dream began!

I stopped at a lake on the way home to try out my new gift.  Had forgotten to take a life jacket so didn’t venture far or long, to be safe, but thoroughly enjoyed the brief experience!

Birthday Kayak, maiden voyage

Birthday Kayak, front view

I am looking forward to evenings and weekends on the river, fishing, paddling, thinking, watching wildlife, seeing new places and spending nights in the outdoors.

And one of these days that childhood desire for the protracted river journey will be part of my experience!

What one can believe he can achieve.


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc

Conversations About Life, VII

All that vulnerability and openness expressed in our last conversation was amazing, and it continued:


How healing to get that feedback!

I have, in the past, made mistakes with whom I shared my story and got extreme REJECTION.  This was and still is very hurtful and made me run and hide in shame.

I have opened up only one other time recently and got the same kind of feedback from the oldest son of the Mennonite family that “adopted” me.  It took me a long time to process that he was sincere and like you, would not “fake” such a response.

This had a huge impact on me!

I feel very misunderstood, also, by family members and dealt with as an outsider.  But so was the total human and total God, Jesus our Messiah.

I saw and experienced things no human being ever should.

The insane are the most pitied of all creation.  The ultimate sign of fallen man.  One sister in Christ said a profound statement “chemical imbalance is exactly what hell will be like , forever!”

The cry of my heart is that God would use me in my deepest sense of agony and suffering to reach out to others in their unrelentless suffering to be a vessel, that the Spirit of Christ would overflow through me.

I just want to run and hide this part of me.

It is easy to do, to numb the pain and pretend, but that would give no meaning or purpose to the things that were revealed to me!

“I will pour water on him who is thirsty, and floods on the dry ground.”  Isaiah 44:3

Love, P

Wow! What can one say to that? A compassionate, open, sensitive heart hanging it all out, letting us see how much she cares for the hurting and disenfranchised.  What a courageous soul!  What a privilege for me (and you) to share in this conversation!

To that I responded:

P, P, P,

Please! Please! Please! DON’T run and hide!

The planet, the world, Father, all of us need you and your experience.

That is what you have come here to do!


You know that there is a DEEP place inside you that needs to be touched, released, opened up to Father’s healing, loving, affirming presence.

THAT is what we all need and crave!, though most of us haven’t figured it out yet.

Most of us just want to stay superficial and “religious” and “doctrinally sound” and “holy” and “Biblically correct” and “Christian” and think that everything is OK and God will bless us and we will be happy and healthy and wealthy to some degree either now or in heaven.

Hogwash and BS!

Father is after our DEEP hearts and souls and minds.

That they may be just as one (with you) as I am with you” (Jon version) was the heart cry of Yeshua just before He died for it to happen.

And as he hung there he exulted, “I did it!! It is finished!!”

The way to total and complete intimacy with Father was now restored, just as it was in the Garden, totally open, naked and unashamed, being breathed on by Father, being made love to by Father.

But we have gone our own way and covered up and don’t want to understand what you have experienced that it is the deep place that is the battle ground, the goal, the prize for which Father strives and for which He is wooing us.

So don’t ever go and hide; that is what Adam did.

Be ready to gently let people know what life is truly about, that there is a healing in the deep place if you will listen and seek and be open and willing to go outside the beaten path.

“Few there be that find it.”

Now let me be just as open with you and Andy as you have been with me.

As a child and later as an adult I have always been fascinated with the concept of being literally naked. Of course, I was “taught” that it was wrong so couldn’t experience it (except once as a kid) when I, a couple of my brothers, and a friend went skinnydipping in a creek.


Years later, as an adult I sent for information from the American Association of Nude Recreation. When it arrived it of course got buried in the dresser drawer and I felt ashamed for even being so bold. How could a Christian be thinking such things? I must truly be wicked.

Then, not so long ago, someone very close to me sent me an email stating that after much research and prayer he had decided to become a nudist!  That came out of the blue!

I was surprised and pleased that he had the guts to check it out and I began in earnest as well to find more information (by then made much easier by the internet).

Long story short, I am also a bonafide nudist.

Now, I am not one just to have a recreational experience, though that is pretty amazing as well.

No, I am a nudist because I am totally convinced that Father made us that way for many reasons, all having to do with health and healing (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and relational – with him, ourselves and others). Being totally open with each other, even to the point of literal physical openness, would solve most if not all of the problems in the planet today.

I could go on but won’t.

I actually have a book that I dictated, but not yet printed, where I discuss all this. Daily more things get added in my brain about the health of all this.

It is all about letting go and listening and being led and going to that deep place you have found in yourself that needed touching.

It is NOT about sexual behavior and all that though it somehow will tap into the sexual energy upon which the planet operates.  I have a lot more to learn about that and what that means in a practical way.  (God is “sexual” and Jesus came for a Bride!)

Anyway, you got it; I got “naked” with you. Thanks for being so with me, and keep listening and pursuing and being pursued by Father’s heart!



So, dear reader, there you have it!

You have been privy to and now have had an experience of your own of people opening up and sharing their deepest thoughts, fears and experiences, their deepest hearts.  You have seen a couple of people get “naked”.

What did it feel like?

Amazing?  Scary?  Real?  Fulfilling?

It’s what life is supposed to look like.

It’s all for us, for the taking!


Dr Jon
Renegade Doc